these pieces of my heart are hard to pick up...help anyone?

Many time have I equated love with happiness..

I do believe with this equation for 19 years--within which I am single. Happy-go-lucky, serious flings, numerous intimacy that I have for 19 years, but when I reached 20, I met a girl who made me realize that the equation that I believe in for years was true and untrue.
Yes. TRUE. and,
yes. UNTRUE.

We were very happy at first, I was very happy when I met her. She changed my life. She painted a smile on my face that no one else could do. For real, I am a very private person. No one, but her, knows the real me. Even my family doesn't know who I am. When I met her, I developed a self that opens every little details that's happening in my life--I say it all to her. I was very glad that for once in my life, someone has came to understand a silent and secretive me.

Unluckily, fate made us realize that we're not meant for each other. We parted for reasons that I can't state here. We parted for months, with no communications and all. I missed her a lot.

Then one day, I received a message on my phone, she did text me. I was very excited at that time. She asked how I was doing. I replied and then from that moment on, we had our communication back.

Hoping that she still wants me because of that text, I asked her if we can still be together. After asking that, she said that many things had happened and she can't decide if she can commit herself again with me. My heart crushed at that moment. At the back of my head, I was thinking, maybe something or someone had her mind change. My suspicion was true. The time that we lost communication, gave her time to talk to her ever beloved ex-boyfriend whom is based in Japan. I don't know exactly the things that they have talked about but the only girl that changed me, the only girl who made me smile frequently, the only girl who listened to me had changed. She don't want me anymore. And it crushed my heart even more.

From that moment on, the smiles that I wore have been replaced with tears. Tears, tears and more tears.

I asked her many times, If we can be the same old people that we used to be. I asked her if we can still be together a lot of times but her answers were consistent. "I can't decide, sorry."

One time, I said to her that If she won't go back to me, I would just live a sorrowful life..helpless life. I said I would ruin my life If I won't be able to get her back. Then she said yes to me. We got back last April 11, 2009. I was happy...not realizing that I made two lives terrible. One, her life, and the second one's mine...

Hindi na kami ganun ka-saya. Tuwing magkasama kami, lumilipad ang utak nya. Oo, minsan masaya naman siya, nakikita ko yun sa mata niya pero mas madalas kong makita ang kalungkutan sa kanya.

Hindi na niya ako mahal. Hindi na niya ako mahal na gaya ng dati, nung una ko siyang makilala. Laging nakatawa ang mga mata sa tuwing makikita niya ako. Excited siya sa tuwing sasabihin ko na gusto ko siyang makita, excited siya sa lahat ng sinasabi ko. Ngayon hindi na, parang "o sige, meet tayo bukas. iloveyou." Sinasabi niyang mahal niya ako pero hanggang sabi nalang. Wala na akong maramdaman. Ang sakit lang dahil hanngang ngayon, yung pagmamahal na ibinigay ko sa kanya nung una kaming magkakakilala, ay siya pa ring pagmamahal na binibigay at pinaparamdam ko sakanya ngayon.

Kami pa rin hanggang ngayon, pero hanggang dun na lang. KAMI. Parang laro na lang ng mga bata na bahay-bahayan. Kunya-kunyarian lang. Hindi permanente. Walang commitment. Masabi lang na kami.

Kaya ang love, para sa akin ngayon ay hindi na happiness. Sa ngayon, wala na akong maramdaman. Naging manhid na din ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ano talaga ang love. Kung meron pa ba talagang taong nakalaan para sa akin.

Kung meron man, asan ka? Tulong naman...